


Somnus Trafficking or Social Assistance?[article]

by pudgy puk (deumion)



Series: a Scrapbook of Eorzean Magazine, Newspaper, and Book Clippings [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Based on Real Life History, Clickbait (Parody), Gen, Humor, Implied Drug Use, In-Universe Documents, Mythril Eye, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 18:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16624154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deumion/pseuds/pudgy%20puk
Summary: Breaking News regarding Possible Conspiracy and Smuggling of That Most Despised Intoxicant, Somnus, as uncovered by Intrepid Reporter, Lilihe Lihe.(a repost of an old bit i wrote ages ago on my tumblr)





	Somnus Trafficking or Social Assistance?[article]

**Author's Note:**

> I love fanfic in the in-universe document style, and am hunting down, editing, and reposting to this account some of my old samples of the stuff.

SOMNUS TRAFFICKING OR SOCIAL ASSISTANCE?

by Miss Lilihe Lihe

 

The Mythril Eye, the Best Investigative Daily in our Great Ul’dah, has sent yours truly, intrepid Reporter Lilihe Lihe, on the Trail of a breaking Scandal concerning the Discovery of the possible Promotion and Creation of the most scurrilous and despicable Drug to plague this Realm, Somnus. Inspectors under the Authority of the Brass Blades opened a Crate of Herbs and Spice imported from Limsa Lominsa by the Seventh Sage Company and sold to the Alchemists’ Guild, and whilst the Plants asnd Infusions were of most the legal and proper Variety, the written Notice accompanying them did give our public Servants some Reason for Concern that it was the Intent of the Company to promote the loathsome Somnus Trade. However, bringing these Allegations to the Company itself, its Barristers issued vigorous Defense, arguing that the Company finds such Practice to be almost as hateful as the "vile Lies, irresponsible Slander, and foul Libel” currently directed at them. In Truth, they have even pointed at the selfsame Notice shipped with their Goods as conclusive Evidence of their Innocence!

Through mine own Bravery and Cunning, I, your Reporter, was able to access some of the Text of said Notice, and find it to be a legal Disclaimer of the Manner preferred by and common in Mealvaan’s Gate. What Text was preserved reads as follows:

‘To our Most Honored Customer,

To ensure your Safety and continued Freedom, our kind Company must caution you that the contained Material can be used in the Creation of that most pernicious Drug, Somnus. For your Health and continued Freedom, it is our happy Duty to issue this Warning to preserve your Life and Wealth: DO NOT treat these Herbs with Oil of Milkroot. DO NOT then dry under the Sun for a Time not exceeding a Sennight. DO NOT combine with Dreamflower Petals–’

(In related Events, the recent Agitation at the Headquarters of the Brass Blades this past Sun was due to several former Blades issuing Protest that they have wrongfully received the Sack for doing only their Duty and Responsibility for the Protection of our great Ul'dah by carefully documenting the Evidence against the Seventh Sage Company).

As Papers of such a Type are well-known and much respected by the Regulators and Enforcers of Commerce, your Reporter suspects a long Battle of Court between the Legislative Authority under Her Majesty the Sultana and the Seventh Sage Company. Perhaps even the Competence and Prejudices of Mealvaan’s Gate will be questioned, or the true Aims and Objectives of the Alchemists’ Guild, or the Source of Gain for the Middlemen of Ashgana’s Exporters and the Brugaire Consortium. However this Story ends and no matter where the Trail leads, though, have no Fear, gentle Reader, for your Reporter, Lilihe Lihe, will ferret out every Detail, as is her Responsibility to the fine Audience of the Mythril Eye.


End file.
